Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
