the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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