i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
