my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
