Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
