You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
