What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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