: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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