We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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