I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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