i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
