what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
