his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
