YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
