mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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