Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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