I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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