Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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