I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
