If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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