If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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