Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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