I'm jealous of your bromance
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
