dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
