my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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