Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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