I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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