Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You took a bar mat shot.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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