Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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