My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
