hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
