Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
