you mean i was at the winter classic?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
