just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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