Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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