I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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