i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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