i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
