can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
