Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
