she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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