In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize