Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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