im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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