Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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