i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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