before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
