I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
