Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
