so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
