apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
