I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
