I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
